Tuesday, March 07, 2006
......

its only a matte rof time before this blog shuts down. why? i just figured my life is not to be made public anymore, well atually, my thoughts that is. i have been through a lot this past few weeks and so have the people closest to me. i dont think i have found the time to properly mull things over since i've been on auto-pilot ever since that day. i just want to be alone...well actually, i only prefer to be around certain people nowadays.

i just feel like, im going nowhere being with them. what have i got to show for the last 3 years of my life?what have i become?i've neglected so much,forgotten a lot and skewed my vision of everyting around me. i need to re-focus. i thought i know how my life was going to play out....i was wrong, one snap and reality comes crashing down on me. a m i being overly dramatic or has that one event shattered me so much that i am now lost?im numb...no more tears to shed. i dont even feel like i've confronted my grief properly. i've been trying to be strong for so many people it hurts...and now suddenly i have to move on...

i just dont have any spare room right now for thoughts other than what i need to face every single day. i talk but somehow i feel like im disconnected. i cant bear talking about it or mentioning it cos somehow it seals it...makes it real,permanent,but ppl keep asking stuff, it hurts me to talk about it so much, i dont even think about it. 


enyllebeam taped a piece at 06:17 pm

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Sunday, February 12, 2006
valentines...

how do you actually avoid it? this should be the happiest on yet but how come i dont feel that way?

 

i'm still young i know but i think i owe it to him to try at least...


enyllebeam taped a piece at 05:59 pm

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Sunday, January 22, 2006
walls


enyllebeam taped a piece at 06:06 pm

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Tuesday, January 17, 2006
i thought i could do some good posting this here....

This is an email sent to me....i have deleted the alleged 'art bell' email since it has been found to be just a hoax. whoever cirsulated that email in the first place is nothing but a coward who cannot even own up to his own misconduct and prejudice against the filipino people. i have edited out all the references to mr. bell... partly in fear of being sued and to keep the integrity of this blog, i will not make allegations.

anyway, this is a reply to that email although, i have no idea who wrote this. all i can say is....saludo ako sayo!

______________________________________


I find this funny, we, as Filipinos don't actually have an "Identity". I think this is due to the confusion of our mixed races from Hispanic, Chinese, American and Malay origins. I see it in malls, imagine young generations wearing ski caps and ski goggles in a tropical country, baggy low rise pants like that of African Americans living in the Bronx of New York, not to mention endless whitening products being sold at department stores and drug stores.

But his ignorance also blinds him from the other truth. That while we may glorify Anime shows and Japanese Internet gaming, he is not aware that a nameless Filipino may be responsible for some technical aspects of some Japanese software. He is not aware of our contribution to the the society in general .Technological advancements that may have aided post war navigations and landing on the moon. That the antibiotic Erythromycin was discovered by Dr. Abelardo Aguilar from Iloilo creating the brand "Ilosone".

Thomas Edison may have discovered the electric light bulb and the fluorescent lighting was thought up by Nikola Tesla. But the fluorescent lamp we use today was invented by Agapito Flores (a Cebuano named Benigno Flores of Bantayan Island, according to the Philippine Daily inquirer), a Filipino scientist. Americans helped then-Philippine leader Ramon Magsaysay to develop it for worldwide commerce. That the personal physician of former U.S. Pres. Bill Clinton is Eleanor "Connie" Concepcion Mariano, a Filipina doctor who was the youngest captain in the US Navy. A Filipino writer Jose Rizal could read and write at age 2, and grew up to speak more than 20 languages, includind Latin, Greek, German, French and Chinese.

Or that a Filipino genius was responsible for the near hiatus in the PENTAGON and White House nearly infiltrationg their closely guarded secrets with the "ILOVEYOU" bug. Nuisance maybe, but still one heck of a 'beautiful mind'...not to be underestimated.

The list goes on and on.....

Although we consider ourselves ASIAN because we are strategically located in the Southeast asian region of which our nearest neighbors are Malays, ASIA does not mean only Chinese and Japanese race of people. Then maybe it is his connotation that "Asia" meant only our economically successful, paler brothers and he considers Malays such as Thais, Malaysians, Indonesians, and ourselves as a "Third World" race. Then it is "his" ignonimity that would make a civilized person of whatever race puke. Imagine literally connecting Chinese, Koreans and Japanese to the Philippine Islands which is archipelagos away from the countries he has mentioned. I also wonder where he got the impression that we aspire to be Japanese( ???) Hispanics maybe but not the Japanese. But even Hispanics today do not mind sharing their "surnames" to their Asian brothers who they have colonized for 3 centuries.

Another sad reality that although most Filipinos working overseas are domestic helpers and prostitutes, who does he think educates the toddlers of Hong Kong, Singapore, Taiwan and Tokyo? Parents of these countries rarely have time spent with their children, leaving them to their Filipino nannies. And with regard to prostitution. Filipinos are not the only ones working as one. I HARDLY SEE FILIPINOS STARRING IN PORN MOVIES. THERE MIGHT BE A FEW FILIPINOS WE HAVEN'T SEEN , BUT MOST ARE FROM (who ever wrote this)'s  RACE.

He also mentioned that we have no concept of culture..no concept of asian ideas or asian philosophy. How can we demonstrate Confucianism or Taoism in a Christian nation? IS HE INFORMED THAT THE PHILIPPINES IS THE ONLY PREDOMINANTLY CHRISTIAN/CATHOLIC NATION IN ASIA?! YOU HAVE TO USE COMMON SENSE IN A LOT OF THINGS SOMETIMES...

We do not need to create an identity for ourselves. We are who we are. Our identity stems from the anonymity we live in this world. How we contribute silently towards the progress of the world and not just one country. Although the Filipino blood may be tainted with malice, corruption, poverty and prostitution, it is not a perfect race... But so are the others.


WE MAY NOT BE PERFECT BUT AT LEAST WE STILL HAVE VALUES. FOR ONE THING WE DON'T PUT OUR AGING PARENTS IN NURSING HOMES BECAUSE "THEY'RE SIMPLY OLD AND WORTHLESS". WE DONT HAVE AS MUCH NUMBERS OF SINGLE MOTHERS WHO GET PREGNANT IN THEIR VERY EARLY TEENS AND EVENTUALLY BECOME PARASITES OF THE GOVERNMENT FOR YEARS AND YEARS.

YES...WE CAME TO YOUR COUNTRY TO WORK, TO EARN DECENT MONEY (HALF OF WHICH BY THE WAY GOES TO TAXES BECAUSE THERE'S SO MANY SOCIAL PARASITES FROM YOUR RACE).AND BY THE WAY, MOST EDUCATED PEOPLE THAT I WORK WITH DON'T COME FROM YOUR RACE... THEY'RE ACTUALLY IMMIGRANTS TOO. AND THOSE EDUCATED ONES DO NOT ACT LIKE YOU DO, PERHAPS BECAUSE THEY'VE REALLY BEEN WELL EDUCATED..AFTER ALL THAT'S SAID... WHO IS THE IGNORANT ONCE AGAIN?!

==================================================

Pinay wins it big in London

By Alfred Yuson


The Philippine Star 05/16/2004


Patricia Evangelista, a 19-year- old, Mass Communications sophomore of University of the Philippines (UP)-Diliman, did the country proud Friday night by besting 59 other student contestants from 37 countries in the 2004 International Public Speaking competition conducted by the English Speaking Union (ESU) in London.


She triumphed over a field of exactly 60 speakers from all over the English-speaking world, including the United States, United Kingdom and Australia, reported Maranan.


The board of judges' decision was unanimous, according to contest chairman Brian Hanharan of the British broadcasting Corp. (BBC).



PATRICIA'S SHORT SPEECH WORTH READING....

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BLONDE AND BLUE EYES


When I was little, I wanted what many Filipino children all over the country wanted. I wanted to be blond, blue-eyed, and white.

I thought -- if I just wished hard enough and was good enough, I'd wake upon Christmas morning with snow outside my window and freckles across my nose!

More than four centuries under western domination does that to you. I have sixteen cousins. In a couple of years, there will just be five of us left in the Philippines, the rest will have gone abroad in search of "greener pastures." It's not just an anomaly; it's a trend; the Filipino diaspora. Today, about eight million Filipinos are scattered around the world.

There are those who disapprove of Filipinos who choose to leave. I used to. Maybe this is a natural reaction of someone who was left behind, smiling for family pictures that get emptier with each succeeding year. Desertion, I called it. My country is a land that has perpetually fought for the freedom to be itself. Our heroes offered their lives in the struggle against the Spanish, the Japanese, the Americans. To pack up and deny that identity is tantamount to spitting on that sacrifice.

Or is it? I don't think so, not anymore. True, there is no denying this phenomenon, aided by the fact that what was once the other side of the world is now a twelve-hour plane ride away. But this is a borderless world, where no individual can claim to be purely from where he is now. My mother is of Chinese descent, my father is a quarter Spanish, and I call myself a pure Filipino-a hybrid of sorts resulting from a combination of cultures.

Each square mile anywhere in the world is made up of people of different ethnicities, with national identities and individual personalities. because of this, each square mile is already a microcosm of the world. In as much as this blessed spot that is England is the world, so is my neighborhood back home.

Seen this way, the Filipino Diaspora, or any sort of dispersal of populations, is not as ominous as so many claim. It must be understood. I come from a Third World country, one that is still trying mightily to get back on its feet after many years of dictatorship. But we shall make it, given more time. Especially now, when we have thousands of eager young minds who graduate from college every year. They have skills. They need jobs. We cannot absorb them all.

A borderless world presents a bigger opportunity, yet one that is not so much abandonment but an extension of identity . Even as we take, we give back. We are the 40,000 skilled nurses who support the UK's National Health Service. We are the quarter-of-a-million seafarers manning most of the world's commercial ships. We are your software engineers in Ireland, your construction workers in the Middle East, your doctors and caregivers in North America, and, your musical artists in London's West End.

Nationalism isn't bound by time or place. People from other nations migrate to create new nations, yet still remain essentially who they are. British society is itself an example of a multi-cultural nation, a melting pot of races, religions, arts and cultures. We are, indeed, in a borderless world!

Leaving sometimes isn't a matter of choice. It's coming back that is. The Hobbits of the shire travelled all over Middle-Earth, but they chose to come home, richer in every sense of the word. We call people like these balikbayans or the 'returnees' -- those who followed their dream, yet choose to return and share their mature talents and good fortune.

In a few years, I may take advantage of whatever opportunities come my way. But I will come home. A borderless world doesn't preclude the idea of a home. I'm a Filipino, and I'll always be one. It isn't about just geography; it isn't about boundaries. It's about giving back to the country that shaped me.

And that's going to be more important to me than seeing snow outside my windows on a bright Christmas morning.

Mabuhay and Thank you.


enyllebeam taped a piece at 06:16 pm

'rant and rave here!'  

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Friday, January 06, 2006
y do i have to write a title?

ok, lots of things happened but they are just too superficial to be put up in this blog. i'm trying to not whine aout how much life sucks or like just the stupid day-to-day happenings. Im trying not to make a new year's resolution but i just want to be better.

ok. updates on my life...patopat got me hooked on jessica zafra's blog which is just insightful. this kinde led upto a whole new obsession with podcasts, filipino ones. well,actually they're filipino-american podcasts. they're not really that heavy on the intellectual side but it's a bit of fun. shame though that i cant find any podcasts from brit-pinoys. the connection between jessica zafra and podcasts is kinda hard to retrace so im not gonna attempt it.

it's actually 12.24 am,friday the 6th of January. i have an essay due in today about william shakespeare's taming of the shrew and im sitting here updating my blog . i see it as limbering my literary muscles though so that should be ok. see, the whole thesis is how shakespeare, i'm not sure if intentionally, created his characters and caused them so masquerade in the play. basically, my theory is they have deliberate disguises and subconscious transformations within the whole play. they undertake these 'roles' in order to hide their true personas temporarily from their potential significant others. once you digest my theory, you'd then see that if they indeed disguised their personalities, it poses a threat to the relationships they have just established. the whole marriage is founded on decit and rooted in duplicity which is certainly a bad thing. that's basically the cliff's notes version of my essay.

the problem is apparently my writing is too 'glossed over' and 'stylized' according to my prof. so i re-read the essay and i agree with her. the thing is, my desire too construct a well written essay in my own distinctive style overshadowed the fact that i need to pay due attention to the actual content. on a grammatical standpoint, my essay is well crafted to a degree but it is not 'academic' enough. it's hard to explain how i see the big problem. my essay is more on my arguments than on the factual crticisms. i give up...it's way too hard to explain. 

oh and i just started a countdown to the 'event'...it's kinda pathetic but im so looking forward too it cos i just miss so much stuff from back home that i cant wait. i feel really work out by this past couple of years so i feel like a need a good vacae to recuperate.i'll stop now cos i have to finish that essay...i'll post it one time cos i think it might be one of my best yet.

  


enyllebeam taped a piece at 12:20 am

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...

11 weeks.


enyllebeam taped a piece at 12:19 am

'rant and rave here!'  

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Tuesday, November 29, 2005
something different and light...

i just came from one of my school's functions, where us upperclass ppl help the lower years make 'future determining decisions'. well, i sorta expected that i'd end up in a corner doing maths problems and just end up showing off my mathematical ability. imagine my surprise when i saw myself ignoring the maths problem altogether and being more interested in talking to people. i dont know...i've never been much of a social creature. i didn't use to walk up to people and strike a conversation, and yet there i was actually speaking to parents and 'frosh' (codename for lower year people) alike. i felt i was in my element.

it'e not much of a revelation but it made me think of so much. (over analysis). i'll tell you why...well up until last year i was undecided but now i have a definite planb for what i want to do. after i finish my a-levels...i'd read psychology at either demontfort,leicester or nottingham uni. for three years and do a masteral degree in forensic psychology. then i plan to work for at least 2 years before i go on an NHS funded doctorate degree to pursue clinical psychology.

so that is my plan...my problem until recently was i dont have that much people skills. i was socially 'inept' during my first year here. so after tonight i realised how far i've come. i dont know about my childhood if i was that sociable but i do know that i was utterly way out of my comfort zone once i stepped into highschool. so now, after working, volunteering, interviews, going to a communal gym, sixth form, i feel comfortable talking to people. i always worried that if i do become a psychologist, my main hurdle was communicating with my patient in a rather personal level since i am going to be privvy to the workings of their mind. i feared i wouldn't have the skills to talk to them.
so all, im saying is, after tonight, i feel more confident talking to people about things that concern them.



someone once told me...and i think i've stated this before somewhere her in my blog, money, education, and travel gives a person confidence to face life. i think i just proved him right. im almost halfway there.






my friends told me yesterday that i was weird. weirder than usual....not funny weird but kinda annoying weird. i have 4 basic principles in life: (i have acquired them through endless soulsearching over the past few years)

   1. i do not reserve the right to bitch about people (their personalities....not their acts. i condemn acts that i deem unacceptable not the person who did them) behind their back regardless of the fact that we are friends and most especially not if we are not even friends.
   2. i never ever let my anger get the best of me. i try really hard to control it.
   3. loyalty. to anyone who did me good.
   4. i give credit to those who deserve it. ( i openly admit that i could have gone nowhere further in life if not for some select individuals in this planet who have taught me a lot on a personal,emotional,and academic level)

so why do they think that i am weird? they find it hard to accept the ideas of 1 and 2. why dont i bitch about people?or never let my anger out?

the answer is this.... i dont bitch about people openly or secretly if they are my friends because of no.3, i have an extreme sense of loyalty . i dont bitch about people who are not my friends because i do not know them well enough to  pass judgement. if i'm not friends with them i do not dwell on ideas about their personalities.

the anger thing is kinda hard to explain...i dont like lashing out because it takes so much out of me. i prefer to be passive because anger is so hard to control once it is out. i like being in control of myself and knowing what i do every single time. anger just makes me lose focus on things.

sometimes my humanity does get the best of me. but all the other times i try to keep by my principles. principles after all are what separates us from animals. we are in the upper echelons of the evolutionary scale for a reason therefore we need to set ourselves apart in order to reamin there.





oh and yea, aileen, seeing as how i'm really fascinated with what is happening here, us in a way discussing whatever is currently on  my mind and you inputing your views....what do you think of having a shared blog. a 'conversations between aileen and mae' kinda thing. just a thought coz i think it's really interesting how we have ideas influenced mainly by our different religion,upbringing,location,idealogies and how we express them.

this is me talking objectively, from a stranger's standpoint, it's really fascinating to read. im saying this, based on our recent lobbying of posts....you have as much or even more to say on stuff than i have so i think you deserve more than a comment box. let me know what you think. tell me if the idea is really crazy or something coz i can practically see a legend here. lolz...think of it...

'two 17 year old girls and life as they know it'

get back to me aight.


enyllebeam taped a piece at 10:49 pm

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Monday, November 28, 2005
funny...

funny how at the very last second, right when you are poised to jump, something pulls you back
right when you thought nothing else would.

tnx for the jolt.
i didnt know how much it mattered. knowing that you're there makes my life feel less empty. i even feel guilty for thinking that no one really cared. somehow i think i owe it to you not to throw the towel on every single thing i live for.


i feared i've always grown too fast...matured too early, so everytime i felt i had to hold myself back for fear of being ridiculed. i felt so trapped that one day i just decided that from then on,i'd have to tone myself down, make me more 'user-friendly','socially acceptable'. i thought that in order to be accepted i'd have to conform to everything society demands of me. i believed that there was such a thing as going too deep...thinking too much, being too mature. i was forced to even try altering my thoughts and views on life thinking that they were inappropriate for someone of my age and stature in life.

i thought nothing will ever change. i even dared to think that well, no one would ever want to know what really goes through my mind because everyone expects me to be typical.

at least now i know not everything's lost. if i have one thing utterly grateful for in this world right now, it's that one person, you should bloody know who you are.

downward spiral or not...im happy you are there. thanks for readin my stuff not for the comical value, not for the possible gossip and definitely not for the entertainment value.








enyllebeam taped a piece at 08:17 pm

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Friday, November 18, 2005
long time no entry....

kinda hard to get back on track and to let evryone know what's been happening. basically there's so much happening that either i haven't got the time to write stuff down or that there are just some things that i find it really hard to let people know.

top on the worry list are my A-levels. for some reason teachers have decided to go AWOL on us and im left trying to teach myself basically everything on the syllabus within a 5 week period and revise at the same time to be able to cope with the january examinations. so much stuff to do too little time. sometimes i just feel like taking the easy way out and dropping everything. i wasn't always like this. i usually just let things flow and die down but then again it just dawned on me that my whole life, basically is hanging on those tests. this time i've got so much at stake that taking one day at a time doesn't work anymore. i've managed to get it through my head that i really need to pass. it's probably because i want to hold on to the stress that these exams are bringing me so that i am blind to any visions of the future. i know how much these stuff means in the future but at the same time i want to be occupied with them so as not to look towards an even more frightening future where i will be left on my own.

i've ranted endlessly, shed a lot of tears and sweat, and yet i still cant let go. i am still stuck with so much residual tension that i feel like i might explode.

i dont even want to find time for my friends anymore because i know i have to do so much stuff. i used to say that i really need a break from studying in order to keep me sane. but at the rate things are going around me...i think i'd rather isolate myself. i dont know if there comes a time in every person's life that she feels that she needs to breakaway from everything, to step away from the constant whir of life just to stay sane.  feel like i need a flippin break from everybody to sort everything out on my own. im practically sick of some people right now. i feel like i cant stand them. i know it's wrong to sorta lay it all on them just because i have issues to deal with. no one flippin understands me because i dont want anyone stepping in until i know perfectly what is wrong. 

do you get the feeling sometimes that you're sick of putting in all the effort into stuff? i do. im sock of being the 'reliable one', being' always there'. i am sick of reaching out to people when they get  so immersed in themselves that they dont even make the effort to talk to me because they know that somehow i will always be there. i am sick of being there for people who dont give a flippin shit what happens to me or what i feel. yea i am always here but dont they think that i get fed up with understanding them, so fed up with being here just waiting for them to have the time.

my problem is i never wanted to be a burden to people. i dont think it's fair that they get saddled with my emotional baggage. that's the main reason i dont open up. and the thing is i dont intend to change. not one bit.

if i turned out that i have serious troubles... i know i will get blamed for not opening up sooner while the problem was still small. i dont care.  im probably like that kid in spies...it's his life on the line but he cant tell anybody because the roots go way too deep and if he tried unearthing them he might end up being buried instead.

no one will understand that for once i dont want to be the one who listens. i dont want to be there. it's probably a tough test for those people because i dont want them to come when they KNOW something's up but i want them to come to me for the sole reason that they want to, not because i haven't been around for them but because they want to be with me. i dont want people asking what is wrong for the sole reason that they want to know. whay cant people just accept things as they are?

this entry is like really long but im finding it so hard to reveal stuff without actually saying anything. i want you to know what is happening without really knowing what is the root of everything. i dont want you asking questions. just be there and believe that i can sort my own troubles out. it's like that quotation from somewhere that the sign of true friendship is when you can sit in silence for a long time and when you part ways, you know that what just happened is one of the best conversations you have ever had. i dont want anyone's help, judgement, idea, opinion, criticism. i just want them to know. nothing more. 

im not dropping my friends, more like taking a hiatus to sort myself out. i need alone time. i dont want to be near people if it's possible.

it's times like this that scare me. it's these moments that make me realise how i've changed. they separate me from my younger self. sometimes i wonder if the only reason why i want to be a shrink someday is to get inside my head and find out what made me like this. i want to do it without someone else insinuating that i was like this or like that.  it's funny how i want to be by myself and that the only way i achieve that is by surrounding myself with people i dont give a shit about. people who wont be able to detect that i enjoy there presence because of the mere fact that i feel so isolated among them.

that's probably why i cant wait to go home in the summer because i'll be with people who know nothing about what is happening and who wont care because they are so caught up in the fact that im home. i'll be in a shell, having a sort of protective shield of novelty around me. they will be too busy getting used to the fact that i am physically there and will be occupied with the superficial implications that by the time they might sense  something isnt quite right i'll be on a plane flying away.

you know what...i want a shrink. i want someone with an granule of psychological knowledge to read this just to be able to hear what they think this whole thing indicates. no not to 'treat' me, but merely to hear what their opinion is.

i'll end this now. i give up. i cant make you understand the whole thing just like how i am unable to stop the  sun from setting or the moon from rising. just like my inability to accept that in reality, i am only concerned with myself and what the world around me thinks of me. i probably find it hard to accept that i am not the centre of anybody else's world like i sometimes imagine. no one actually reads this even thoug hat the appeareance of every letter on screen, face of the people i know come into mind because i think they will judge me on these even though they dont actually bother with me.


enyllebeam taped a piece at 11:20 pm

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Saturday, September 24, 2005
bkit????

may nagawa b ako s past life ko kung meron man ako non? ha? bkit lagi n lng nangyayari toh? is history repeating itself? ayoko n




moving on....asar ang dami kong homework ayoko n!!!!

enyllebeam taped a piece at 11:10 pm

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